So we decided last Christmas that it would be a good idea for the Bashman to attend some sort of mothers day out program. I was so excited about it. I wanted something that was only three days a week and only a half day. I looked for something close to our house only to find they where all booked up or they didn't do half days. Some even said just pay for the whole day and pick them early. Umm, that makes sense how????? We finally came across a school that was everything we wanted. I was glad they where teaching and not just "babysitting" the kids. And they had Jesus time! If you didn't know we LOVE Jesus in this house 😉. So the new year came fast and soon we had a new baby at home. Our everyday dynamic had drastically changed, not just for us but also for my very active very passionate three year old boy. Passionate, yes passionate, that is the perfect word for our Bashman. When he loves he loves big and when he hurts he hurts even bigger. He took to the big brother role very quickly and he loves every little thing about his "sissy boo". But I could tell that being coupe up all day and being on a new born schedule was not his ideal. It got to the point where he was begging, screaming for our constant attention. I hate to admit that I was so looking forward to summers end. I even cried because I was sure I was a horrible mom for wanting just two seconds of alone time. I mean really what kind of mother wants that? Isn't this the "job" that I wanted my whole life? I have come to realize that 99.9% of mothers out there really just want a moment alone. Now I'm not talking about a couple of weeks off hell not even a couple of days I just want to be able to pee with out a set of little eyes watching my every wipe. So as the back to school sales started rolling out and the school list came in the mail I was ready. Or so I thought. I was happy he was happy everyone was happy happy happy. That was until I found my self in the crayon aisle at target balling like I was just punched in the gut. Who knew a box of primary color markers could make me weep so hard. It was at that moment when I realized that he would go on this journey without me. He would let go of my had and spread his own wings. Make friends on his own, not ones that I would set up via playdates. He would do arts and crafts with out my hand guiding his. This is what I think really got me because it has always been a favorite time for us. He would be in a space completely separate from me. Mind you he did go to nursery at our church and my local moms group but I am always just a hallway away. I composed my self and checked off every item on the list and came home. I vowed to not let Sebastian see that I was upset, but to show him how excited I was and how great this new adventure would be. The morning of I was pretty surprised no tears fell (maybe because they decided to come during my nightly prayer time and I had no more to shed) we woke up, got dressed and had breakfast. He was beaming. I could just tell he would do great. He talked about the teacher and about his new friends and how he would play and laugh. I could only smile because that is what he did the whole drive to school. Before we got out to walk to class we prayed and asked God to give us (me) strength and courage. His little legs kicked in excitement and he could hardly sit still. We walked into the classroom and with the biggest ear to ear grin he said goodbye momma and grabbed my leg and squeezed extra tight. He quickly turned and found a spot on the Lego table and went about his building. I chatted with the teacher for a quick second and walked to my car. It is the strangest feeling to have part of your heart roaming outside your chest like that. Such a bittersweet moment I will never forget. For all you mommas that sit in the parking lot a cry because your baby is growing up to fast I get it now. I'm sorry I never really understood. And for you mommas that aren't there yet kiss those babies and hold them every second because they do grow to fast. In my opinion a baby can not be kissed or held too much. It just isn't possible.
To my Sebastian,
I love you more then you could every know. You have changed my heart for the better and I am so proud of the little man you are turning out to be. I pray you keep your sense of humor and continue to seek adventure for the rest of your life. I pray that you will grow to walk with the Lord and that you will seek him on a daily basis. Dream big my fierce lion cub. You will change the world with your amazing smile. I love you to the moon and back.
